


Of Duty and Honor

by Khiori63



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4434851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khiori63/pseuds/Khiori63
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk is forced to investigate an old friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Duty and Honor

It took a moment for the name to sink in. If someone else had said it, his immediate reaction would have been to tell then they were wrong. For this was a name Kirk didn't want to hear, certainly not in this context. Still...  
  
"Lawrence Matson? Formerly of Tarsus 4? Are you sure?"  
  
He and Spock were sitting in Admiral McConnell's office on Starbase 9. A priority, "captain's eyes only" communiqué from the base four days ago had sent the Enterprise here at warp 7. The contents of the communiqué were vague, stating little more than the captain and first officer’s presence were needed. Now, Kirk was finally learning the reason why—and wishing he hadn’t.  
  
McConnell nodded. "No doubt about it. We’ve had him under surveillance for several months. Two weeks ago he was on Veradinus, where he was observed meeting with several high-ranking Romulan officials. We learned that during that meeting, he made preliminary arrangements to sell the Romulans classified Federation technology. The only problem is that we don’t know when or where that sale is to take place.”  
  
Kirk shook his head. He still couldn’t believe it. Not Larry. Not the childhood friend who remained the only happy memory Kirk had of that terrible time. Not the friend without whom Kirk wouldn’t be alive today. Yet he had no reason to doubt what McConnell was saying. It was just the last thing he expected to hear.  
  
As if sensing his unease, Spock leaned forward slightly in his chair. “Admiral, since Starfleet felt it necessary to monitor Mr. Matson’s activities, are we to assume he has engaged in such illicit behavior in the past?”  
  
“That’s correct, Commander. Three years ago, he set up an import/export company here on the base. His choice to do so raised more than a few eyebrows, as the base is not exactly in the middle of the trade routes. But that didn’t stop Matson Intergalactic, Ltd. from becoming successful, much more successful than anyone anticipated. Still, we had no reason to suspect the company was anything but legit. That is, until the government did an audit about six months ago and discovered things just didn’t add up. The company was much more profitable than it should have been. Now we know why.”   
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Kirk saw Spock glance at him. No doubt the Vulcan was puzzled at his lack of participation in the ongoing discussion. What Spock didn’t know was that Kirk had no desire to participate. What he wanted to do was walk out the door and beam back up to the ship. That way he wouldn’t have to listen to anything more the Admiral had to say, wouldn’t have to hear how this man who had once meant so much to him was now a target of an organization Kirk was sworn to serve.   
  
At his captain’s continued silence, Spock resigned himself to the fact that at least for the moment, he was on his own. He turned back to the admiral. “Sir, while I have no doubt that your information is accurate, I fail to understand the need for our presence here. Surely Starfleet is more than capable of obtaining the information necessary to prevent Mr. Matson from succeeding in his endeavor without our assistance.”  
  
“Actually, Commander, we do need your assistance, although between the two of you, it’s your captain who can provide the most help. Jim, I understand Matson is an old friend of yours.”  
  
Kirk nodded, his eyes fixed on the floor.  
  
“What we’d like you to do is to renew your acquaintance with him and see what you can find out. Tell him you’ve stopped at the base for some routine maintenance and that you’d like to relive some old memories. If you can gain his trust, he may let something slip. As for you, Commander…”  
  
Whatever else was said went unheard as Kirk suddenly rose exited the room and kept going until he was outside the building. He reached for his communicator, then hesitated. No. He couldn’t run away from this assignment, any more than he could run away from the memories. He wasn’t that scared adolescent boy anymore—he was a starship captain. A starship captain with a duty to perform. A duty that once again could lead to the destruction of another old friend. First Gary, now…  
  
“Captain?”  
  
The voice was pitched just loud enough to be heard, but not to startle or intrude.   
  
Spock. Kirk wasn’t surprised. Vulcan or no, Spock was not one to let Kirk “stew in his own juices” whenever he was troubled or upset. Especially now. His first officer for more than three years, his lover for a mere two weeks, the bond between them was now stronger than ever. God, he loved Spock. More than he thought he could ever love another being. And trust. He’d always trusted Spock, right from the beginning…  
  
_“Hey, Jimmy, don’t worry. You got all of us now. You can trust us.”_  
  
He closed his eyes, hunching his shoulders tightly against the memory.  
  
A hand touched his arm. “Jim, please. What is wrong?” There was no mistaking the concern in that deep voice.  
  
He shook his head wearily, almost too tired to utter the words. “Larry Matson.”  
  
There was a pause, then “The admiral mentioned he was once an acquaintance of yours?”  
  
“He wasn’t just an acquaintance, Spock. He was a friend. A good friend. Hell, he saved my life.” There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice.  
  
There was a momentary silence and Kirk knew that Spock was probably trying to figure out what to do or say next. While the Vulcan had come a long way in dealing with his emotions in terms of their relationship, there were times when he still found it difficult to deal with Kirk’s. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, far from it, it was just he had never been given the tools to know how to properly handle an emotionally distraught or distressed human, Even if that human was his soon-to-be bondmate.   
  
Kirk decided to save him the trouble. The truth, after all, would have to be told sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner. “I met him not long after I arrived at Tarsus 4. I was fourteen and had been begging my mom to take a trip off-planet somewhere. She had friends living on Tarsus, so she sent me there for the summer. They had a farm, just like ours.”  
  
A quick glance at Spock showed the Vulcan was listening intently, a look of patient understanding on the austere features.  
  
“One night I snuck out of the house and went into town. I was just walking around and ended up in front of this old building. It looked pretty beat up and I figured it was abandoned.” He paused, lost in a memory he hadn’t thought about in years. “For whatever reason, I decided to go inside. I’d barely made it through the door when all of a sudden, these guys appeared out of nowhere. They were a lot older than me and a lot bigger. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’d just wandered into the territory of the most powerful gang in the neighborhood. Needless to say, they weren’t too happy to see me. They began to approach…”  
  
Spock edged a little closer, a gesture of unspoken support. A few years ago the Vulcan would never have done so, would have considered such an act a violation of his captain’s personal space. Not anymore.  
  
“Anyway, they soon had me surrounded and by the looks on their faces, I knew things weren’t going so well. Then Larry showed up with the sorriest looking bunch of kids I’d ever seen. They were all about my age, including Larry.” He smiled slightly at the memory. “He walked right in the room like he owned the place. He started talking to the older boys and before I knew it, they were gone.” He gave another small smile. “Larry didn’t tell me until much later how scared he actually was at the time.”  
  
“Was it at that time you became friends?”  
  
“All of us did. But Larry was…different. Like a replacement for Sam. Almost a brother…”  
  
_“Blood brothers. Ain’t no one can separate us now, Jimmy. You got that?”_  
  
  
“I assume that is no longer the case.”  
  
Kirk shook his head. “No. Turned out Larry wasn’t all that different from the guys he saved me from. All those new friends of mine were just part of his gang.” He hesitated. There were still some things about his past Spock didn’t know and Kirk wasn’t really willing to share. Still… “It wasn’t long before I joined and we all started getting into trouble. Nothing major, just petty thefts and the like. One day I got caught and the local authorities, instead of arresting me, brought me back to my mom’s friends and told them what I was doing. They figured it would be a better punishment than throwing me in jail.” He gave a rueful smile. “They were right. Mom’s friends threatened to call her and tell her exactly what her little boy had been up to lately. I begged them not to, told them I’d be on my best behavior from then on. I promised never to go into town without their permission again, or see any of my ‘friends’. I must have been pretty persuasive because they agreed. I never saw Larry again.”  
  
If he expected condemnation from his prim and proper first officer, he was mistaken. A hand was once again laid gently on his arm. “That must have been difficult for you. To have no choice but to abandon a friend.” The hand gave a gentle squeeze, then let go.  
  
The gesture was not lost on Kirk. Spock had often been dubbed the “touch-me-not” Vulcan by most of the crew. It was a perception Spock did little to rectify. In his culture, physical contact was virtually unheard of. Even among bondmates, touch was discouraged except as a way to maintain and strengthen their bond. It was a mandate that Spock had adhered to in the beginning, even with him. But not anymore. It took a few years, but he eventually learned the importance of touch and how to use it to give comfort and support. But only with Kirk and on rare occasions, McCoy. Spock had come so far…  
  
Kirk shook off the thought, pulling himself together. He had an errand to run. Alone. He turned to Spock. “Go finish up with the Admiral. Ask him to give you a list of all Starfleet personnel assigned to the base, as well as a list of all Matson’s employees, past and present. Once you have all that get back to the ship. I’ll be there shortly.”  
  
“May I ask where you are going?”  
  
“No, you may not.” His tone was sharp, indicating he would tolerate no more questions. “You have your orders.”  
  
Spock immediately stiffened, taking a small step back, his Vulcan mask firmly in place. Clearly he’d been hurt and Kirk almost regretted his words. Almost. “Go on. I’ll be back soon.”  
  
“Yes, sir.”  
  
Kirk watched the Vulcan walk away, knowing he’d just stomped on fragile emotions that were still new and fresh for Spock now that their relationship had changed. Once all this was over, he would have to make amends. But for now, there was something he needed to do.  
  
A quick call to the ship was all that was necessary to pinpoint his destination ten minutes later, he was standing in front of a tall, very impressive office building with the name “Matson Intergalactic, Ltd.” boldly emblazoned across the front. He entered the building and after undergoing a brief security check and making a quick inquiry, he was soon on the tenth floor, traveling down a long, ornate hallway. Several people stopped and openly stared as he passed by and he began to regret not changing into civilian attire first. Not that he had any apologies for the profession he chose—he was proud of all he had accomplished in Starfleet and had no regrets about his choice of career. It was just at the moment, he felt more than a bit conspicuous in his command gold.  
  
He soon reached his destination, a gleaming, polished door at the end of the hallway. He paused, quelling a sense of unease before pushing it open and going inside. An older female in a trim suit and upswept hair seated behind a desk glanced briefly up at him, then took another look, one eyebrow rising in a poor imitation of Spock. He brushed aside the thought and strode up to the desk. “I’d like to see Mr. Matson, please.”  
  
“Do you have an appointment?” Her tone was frigid, her eyes even more so. Apparently she also harbored a dislike for Starfleet uniforms.   
  
Normally he would have pulled out the charm at this point, but he just wasn’t in the mood. He shook his head. “Just tell him Jim Kirk is here to see him.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kirk, but…”  
  
“Tell him.” There was no mistaking the authority in his voice.   
  
It had the desired effect, although it did earn him a brief glare as she turned to the intercom. He ignored it. He had far more important things on his mind to concern himself with a secretary in a foul mood. A moment later, she turned to him, her attitude only a little more cordial. “You can go right in, Mr. Kirk.” Her smile was patently false and he returned it with equal insincerity.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
As he entered the office, he barely noticed the plush carpeting and rich furnishings. All his attention was focused on the man sitting behind the large, ornate desk. He took in the expensive suit, perfect hair, and refined bearing. But somewhere in those features was a boy Kirk remembered well and when that face broke into a wide smile and the gray eyes lit up with genuine pleasure, Kirk found himself grinning from ear-to-ear.  
  
“Jimmy!”  
  
“Hello, Larry.”  
  
Matson rose and hurriedly rounded the desk. Before he knew it, Kirk was engulfed in a warm bear hug and without hesitation, his own arms closed around the broad back. He suddenly felt twenty years younger again. It was almost like coming home.  
  
After a moment, he was released, although Matson’s arms still gripped his shoulders. His old friend studied his face, as if looking for the child he once knew. He must have found a hint of what he was seeking because his smile grew even wider. “It’s been too long, Jimmy. I was going to ask what you’ve been doing all these years, but I see I don’t have to. Starfleet, huh? Who would have thought?”  
  
Kirk shrugged. “I’m surprised you didn’t know. I’ve certainly gotten my share of publicity over the years, although it hasn’t always been by choice.”  
  
“Don’t have a lot of time to watch the news vids these days, Jimmy. Not with running a business this large. You wouldn’t believe how busy I am these days.”   
  
“Well, it looks like it’s paying off.” Kirk nodded around the room. “Didn’t realize an import/export company could be so profitable in this neck of the woods.”  
  
That short, familiar, deep laugh. “It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Just like I always said I would. Remember?”  
  
_“Someday, Jimmy, I’m gonna rule the universe and you’re gonna be my right hand man. Nobody’s gonna mess with us. Nobody!”_  
  
Kirk smiled. “Yes, Larry. I remember.”  
  
The reason for his visit asserted itself and Kirk sobered, taking another, more critical look around the room, noting the expensive decorations, the rare paintings on the walls. A big part of him wanted to believe everything he saw was purchased by a legitimate entrepreneur running a successful business. Most of all, he wanted to believe in Larry, wanted to believe his old friend was honest and decent and trustworthy. But Starfleet suspected otherwise and it was now his duty to discover the truth. If Larry was a criminal, then Kirk would have no choice but to use every means at his disposal to destroy everything his old friend had achieved. Worse, he might even be forced to destroy the man himself. The thought left a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.  
  
He suddenly realized that Larry, who had been chattering on about the past twenty years, had gone quiet. There was something else, too, a change in the atmosphere of the room, a heaviness that hadn’t been present before.  
  
Kirk turned his attention to his old friend, who was studying him intently. There was something in those gray eyes…  
  
Larry knew. He knew why Kirk was there. Which meant he also knew the young boy he had once taken under his wing was now someone who stood as a direct threat to his livelihood – perhaps even his life.  
  
He forced a grin. “So, Larry, you never answered my question.”  
  
“What question was that, Jimmy?” There was still a cheerful lightness to his tone, yet underneath was a slight wariness. This wasn’t going to be easy.  
  
“How you got so rich running an import/export company all the way out here?”  
  
Matson shrugged, then returned to his desk to recline comfortably in his chair. Yet now it seemed a lot more than a mere piece of furniture stood between them. “Let’s just say you wouldn’t believe how profitable this line of work can be.” It was almost a blatant challenge.  
  
It was a challenge Kirk was willing to meet. “You don’t say. Tell me, Larry, what exactly do you import and export?”  
  
Matson’s face was still stretched in a good-natured grin, but his eyes no longer reflected it. “You’re beginning to sound like a member of Starfleet, Jimmy. I thought this was just a friendly visit. Now it sounds more like an interrogation.”  
  
“Maybe. Why don’t you answer the question?”  
  
Matson folded his arms. “Lots of things. You want a list?”  
  
Kirk shook his head. He was tired of playing this game. He owed this man so much, including his life, that nothing less than the truth would do.   
  
He walked over to the desk and placed his hand on the smooth surface, leaning toward his old friend. “Larry, I’m a Starfleet captain. I’m under orders to investigate you. If you’re involved in anything illegal, I will find out about it. I hope to God I don’t, but if I do, I can’t let our friendship stand in the way of my duty.” His gaze intensified. “I need you to understand that.”  
  
“Jimmy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Matson’s grin never faded, but there was a glint of defiance in those gray eyes. Familiarity worked both ways. Kirk no longer had any doubt what the man he had once considered his brother had become. Which meant one of them would bring down the other before this was over. Something deep inside grieved at the thought.  
  
He was suddenly anxious to get out of there. “It was nice seeing you again, Larry.”  
  
“You too, Jimmy. Don’t make it another twenty years, huh? As a matter-of-fact, give me a call in the next couple days. We’ll go out to dinner, talk about old times.”  
  
Kirk forced a grin. “Sure, Larry, I’ll do that.” He turned and left without looking back.  
  
_“Anyone threatens you, Jimmy, and I’ll kill ‘em. I swear. I’ll always take care of you, kid. I promise.”_  
  
Twenty years. Twenty years since he’d seen Larry and yet the memories were as fresh as if they’d happened yesterday. But those memories were now tarnished by questions for which Kirk had no answers. Why? Why had his old friend chosen to go down the wrong path? What had happened to that teenager who had found room in his heart to extend a compassionate hand to a lonely young boy looking for acceptance? Where was that compassion now? Had it been replaced by greed? Larry had always been so smart and so resourceful and Kirk had no doubt his old friend would have been wildly successful at any endeavor he chose. So why did that choice have to be the wrong one? A choice that now pitted two old friends against each other.  
  
With a heavy heart, Kirk flipped out his communicator and had himself beamed back to the ship.   
  
Once onboard, for probably the first time in his life, he didn’t check with the bridge. Instead, he headed straight for his quarters. He strode over to his desk and thumbed the intercom. “Kirk to Spock.”  
  
“Spock here, Captain.”  
  
“Did you get the information I requested?”  
  
“Yes, sir. It has been downloaded to your terminal.”  
  
“Thank you.” He was about to end connection when “Captain?”  
  
“Yes, Mr. Spock?”   
  
“Do you require any assistance? If so, I can…”  
  
“No, Commander. That won’t be necessary.” Despite his best efforts, his tone reflected a hostility he’d never intended to direct toward Spock and he winced inside.  
  
There was a slight hesitation, then, “Yes, sir.” The voice was cold and distant. “Spock out.”  
  
Kirk sat down heavily in his chair, fighting the urge to call Spock back, apologize to his soon-to-be bondmate and explain everything. He knew the Vulcan didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of Kirk’s anger and frustration at this assignment, but as much as he regretted his behavior, he needed to keep the Vulcan at arm’s length. This situation was too personal, too close to Kirk’s heart for him to share it with anyone, even Spock. Once it was all over and he had done what he knew he must, then he could make amends, try to repair the damage he was doing to their relationship. He could only hope that Spock would still be there, would be willing to forgive Kirk for so callously pushing him out of the way. For Spock meant so much more to him than Larry ever had. He loved and trusted his Vulcan beyond what words could say and he knew that love and trust were returned ten fold. Now he was jeopardizing all they had together for the sake of an old friend who might not even be worth it. But Larry had been his best friend once, had taken care of him, had protected him and offered him acceptance and belonging. It was something no one had ever offered Kirk before, not even his own brother. He owed Larry _something_ for that and if that something meant doing whatever he could to lessen the downfall of his old friend, then that’s what he would do. Alone. What that decision did to his relationship with Spock, now and in the future, only time would tell. Right now all he could do was hope that once this was all over, there still was a future.   
  
With a deep sigh, he turned to his terminal and began reviewing the data he’d requested. Less than an hour later, his eyes rested on a name listed on the Starfleet roster and his heart skipped a beat. For not only was it one he had seen just fifteen minutes ago on the list of former Matson employees, but it was also one he recognized. He rose and headed for the transporter room and a meeting with another old acquaintance from Tarsus IV – one who could provide the answers to questions Kirk wasn’t sure he wanted to ask.   
  
It was nearly dusk when Kirk found himself standing in front of a small house on the edge of the base. He walked up to the door and paused, strangely reluctant to make his presence known to the person inside. For if his suspicions were correct, he was about to set events in motion that might cost Larry everything he had – success, wealth, power – perhaps even his own life. It was the last thing Kirk wanted to do, but as a Starfleet officer, he had no choice. Without hesitation, he pressed the buzzer. A moment later, the door opened.  
  
“Jimmy? Is that you?”  
  
The short, nondescript man framed in the doorway that Kirk had last seen twenty years ago, was also instantly recognizable. He grinned. “Hello, Tony. Yes, it’s me.”  
  
Known by a diminutive of his last name of “Toneck”, the man standing before Kirk had always been the tagalong of their little gang on Tarsus, often going unnoticed because of his size and more importantly, his ability to keep his mouth shut. He was the one person the others knew they could confide in without having to worry he would spread their secrets around. That tendency always led Kirk to believe Tony knew far more about what was going on around him than anyone else in the gang – except for Larry himself. If that hadn’t changed, then Tony could now hold the answers to some very difficult questions.  
  
“It’s good to see you, Jimmy. It’s been way too long C’mon in.”  
  
“Thanks, Tony.” He followed the other man into the house, noting its furnishings were rather modest. Clearly if Tony was involved in any underhand activity with Larry, he wasn’t sharing the wealth. Unless, like all those secrets he kept so well all those years ago, the same was true when it came to his finances today.   
  
“Have a seat. I’ll get us a drink. Bourbon okay?”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
Kirk settled himself on a small couch as Tony moved over to a small bar and poured their drinks. When he returned, he paused, looking Kirk up and down. “I heard you became a Starship captain. Looks like the rumors were true.”  
  
Kirk grinned. “Yeah, who would have guessed?”  
  
“I’m not surprised.” Tony’s tone was dead serious. “You always were different from the rest of us, Jimmy.” He brushed thick black hair out of his eyes. “You and Larry.”  
  
Something about the way Tony said their former leader’s name gave Kirk pause. “Is there something about him you want to tell me?”  
  
Tony glanced at him, then quickly looked away. He took a sip of his drink. “I think you already know. Don’t you?”  
  
“I’m not sure what to think. According to Starfleet, he’s been engaging in some illicit activity. If that’s true, then I have to stop him.”  
  
There was a pause. “Why?”  
  
“Because that would make him a criminal.”   
  
“So are a thousand other people. Why do you have to go after Larry? He was your pal.” There was no accusation in Tony’s voice, just sad inquiry.  
  
_“Blood brothers, Jimmy. To the end.”_  
  
But that was a long time ago. Larry, Tony, and all the others were a part of his past now, the memories of their friendship the only pleasant ones he had of Tarsus IV. That should have made this easier, but it didn’t. He had lost too many old friends already and once again, it was becoming abundantly clear he was about to lose another. “Times change, Tony. I’m not the same person I was then. I have a duty to Starfleet and I can’t ignore that duty for the sake of some old memories. That was twenty years ago. Since that time, you, Larry, me and the others—we all made choices about which paths our lives would take. Apparently Larry made the wrong choice. For that, he has to face the consequences.” He paused. “What I need to know now is did you make that same choice?”   
  
Another pause. “What do you want me to do?”  
  
That question told Kirk all he needed to know. But it did nothing to help quell the feeling of disappointment that rose. He had hoped he was wrong, that Tony had made a better choice than Matson, had made the decision to live his life in a positive light. But that was clearly not the case.  
  
He buried his hurt deep inside. “I need to know what your involvement is. If you know what Larry’s next move is going to be. And if you’re willing to help me set him up.”  
  
”You gonna take me down, too, Jimmy?” There was a trace of concern in Tony’s voice.  
  
“Not if you help me. Right now, I’m the only one who knows about your connection to Matson. I don’t think I need to tell you how interested Starfleet would be if they found out that one of their own was part of all this, do I?”  
  
“No. But how do I know that once this is all over, you won’t turn me in anyway.”  
  
“Because I’m giving you my word. Because I’ve already lost too many old friends and I have a feeling I’m about to lose another. I don’t want to make it two. But I’m warning you, after this, you’d better start making some better choices. Otherwise, I _will_ take you down.”  
  
Kirk watched as Tony rose and made his way back to the bar. He poured himself another drink, then turned back around to face Kirk. “All right, Jimmy. Everything’s already set up. The meet takes place on Pendoras in two days. I don’t think I need to tell you where that is.”  
  
Kirk shook his head. Pendoras was a small planetoid in furthest orbit from the base. Although it was Class M, there was nothing remotely attractive about it, so it basically went ignored by the rest of the inhabitants of the solar system. Kirk had to admit, Larry couldn’t have picked a better place to carry out his plans.   
  
“Okay, Jimmy. I’ll contact you when I’m ready to leave and we’ll go to the meet together. Once it’s over and I’m out of there, you can move in.”  
  
At Kirk’s startled look, Tony shrugged. “I usually don’t do things like this, Jimmy, but Larry’s not gonna be surprised to see me there. As a matter-of-fact, he’s expecting it.”   
  
Kirk nodded. “All right, Tony. But as I said, this is the last time. Understood?”  
  
Tony nodded, then raised sad eyes to Kirk. “It’s too bad you got involved in all this. You and Larry were blood.”  
  
“Times change, Tony. Sometimes not for the better.”  
  
“Ain’t that the truth. I’ll walk you out.”  
  
After the door closed behind him, Kirk remained where he was for several minutes, digesting all that he’d learned. In all honesty, a part of him wanted revenge on Tony for his part in all this. It was bad enough Larry had betrayed him and all that they had once been to each other. Now he could add Tony to the list. Whose name would be next? Who else from his past would he be forced to destroy? What about his present? Who among his crew might turn against him someday? Try as he might, he couldn’t discount the possibility. Except for Spock. Spock would never betray him, would never…  
  
With a frustrated sigh, Kirk pulled his communicator out and signaled the ship. Once back on board, he debated whether or not to contact Spock, tell him what he’d learned, what he planned to do, but in the end, he decided against it. Despite everything, he needed to handle this alone.  
  
After a quick check with the bridge, he headed for the gym, determined to work off some of the tension and stress the day had produced. There, he spent most of his time in hand-to-hand combat with various crew members and while they surely noticed the absence of his usual sparring partner, they were all wise enough not to ask questions. Only until he was well and truly exhausted did he return to his quarters and shower. When he emerged from the fresher, he noticed the light blinking on his terminal, indicating a waiting message. Not surprisingly, it was from Spock. He ignored it. If there was an emergency, the Vulcan would have done more than leave a message. Anything or anyone else he just didn’t want to deal with at the moment.   
  
He dimmed the lights and crawled into bed. Even as he closed his eyes, he knew that sleep would be elusive that night. Just like his peace of mind.  
  
The next day was definitely not one of his best. After a night spent tossing and turning, he finally fell asleep about an hour before his alarm chirped. Breakfast was a cup of coffee in his quarters, then he headed to the bridge. Spock was at his station when he stepped off the lift, a quick glance the only acknowledgment of his superior’s arrival. Kirk knew the Vulcan wouldn’t question where he was yesterday or even why he was a no-show for their usual routine of breakfast together in the Officer’s Mess. No, Spock wouldn’t say a word, but his silence was as much of a rebuke as anything else.   
  
Both frustration and guilt accompanied him to the command chair, where he spent the morning doing busy work. Anything to take his mind off Larry, Tony, Spock, and the incredible mess he seemed to be making of the entire situation.   
  
It worked, right up until the end of his shift. He’d actually been able to relax, to joke around with the crew, almost forgetting the unpleasant task that lay ahead. Until his first officer approached just as he was getting up from the command chair.   
  
“Captain, would you care to join me for dinner?”  
  
The tone was nonintrusive, cautious, an attempt to make amends. Still, Kirk almost refused, until he realized how it would look to the rest of the crew.   
  
“Sure, Spock. I’ll meet you in the main mess in ten minutes.”   
  
He settled back in his chair, pretending interest in a report that wasn’t worth his time a minute ago. Now it proved a good reason for not joining Spock in the lift. The last thing he wanted at the moment was to be in close quarters with the Vulcan, even for a short time. Dinner would be awkward enough. He didn’t even look up as Spock hesitated, then stepped into the lift. As the doors closed, Kirk breathed a silent sigh of relief.   
  
Ten minutes later, as he took a bite of his chicken sandwich and Spock stirred his salad, came the question he didn’t want to hear.  
  
“Captain, may I inquire as to your whereabouts last evening?”  
  
The food in his mouth suddenly lost all flavor. He swallowed hard and took a long sip of coffee. “No, you may not.”  
  
Spock put his fork down and leaned toward him. “Jim, I understand your reluctance to participate in this mission, but Admiral McConnell is requesting a report on our progress. I cannot comply if I am not aware of that progress.”  
  
“You just tell the Admiral I’m handling this and he’ll get his report when it’s over.”  
  
Kirk wasn’t at all surprised as an eyebrow went up. “Jim, that is not only highly illogical, but it borders on insubordination. As it is clear this assignment has become quite personal for you, may I suggest…”  
  
Kirk’s temper flared. “I told you I’ll handle it!” He instantly regretted his outburst as heads turned and the air around their table grew still. Even Spock gave a slight flinch.  
  
Kirk took a deep breath, trying to regain a measure of control. He was angry, angry at himself for losing his temper and angry at Spock for causing him to do so. “Look, I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t change anything. I can take care of this on my own.”  
  
“There is no reason for you to do so.”   
  
“Yes, there is. This is my problem. Not yours, not Admiral McConnell’s, not Starfleet’s. It’s mine. If I want your help, I’ll ask you for it. Until then, stay out of it.”  
  
As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt a pang of guilt. Spock didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He was just trying to help. But Kirk had no choice but to push him away. He didn’t want Spock involved in this mess, even though that decision could threaten everything they had together. He wasn’t an idiot—he knew that underneath that incredible intellect lay a very fragile ego, one which constantly questioned why Kirk would ever want a relationship with a skinny, emotionally immature, socially awkward half-breed. Now, when Spock was only trying to help, Kirk’s refusal of that help, to even let Spock know what was going on, were no doubt bringing all those insecurities to light.   
  
He glanced up at Spock, but had to look away at the wounded expression in those dark eyes. God, this wasn’t worth it, nothing was worth hurting Spock. Nothing. Except this time Kirk had no choice.  
  
He reached out and touched an arm. “Spock, I’m sorry. But I meant what I said. You’re not to get involved in this. That’s an order.” It was the last thing Kirk wanted, but he had no choice. He had to make his position clear, to let the Vulcan know he meant what he said. The cold mask that settled over those angular features confirmed Spock had gotten the message.  
  
“Of course, Captain. If you will excuse me?” Spock rose and left the room, his state of mind clearly evident by the tray he uncharacteristically left behind.  
  
A moment later, Kirk picked up both trays, deposited them into the recycling chute and headed for the bridge.  
  
It was strictly business between the two of them after that. Gone were the shared glances on the bridge, the Vulcan’s almost constant presence next to his command chair. Gone was the light banter that accompanied their late night chess games and gone were the chess games themselves. Gone were the shared meals and the shared bed. It was as if they were strangers once again, like it was in the beginning when they first met. No, Kirk decided. It was worse than that. In the beginning there was a chance for them to get to know each other, to build a relationship of friendship and trust, and perhaps more. Now Kirk was faced with the possibility that he had destroyed all that and he may never have a chance to undo the damage he’d caused.   
  
For Kirk knew that Spock was not one to trust so easily. It had taken a great deal of time and effort on Kirk’s part to get past that cold exterior the Vulcan presented to the universe, to earn Spock’s trust and eventually his heart. It was a gift Kirk had always treasured, a gift that had enriched his life beyond measure.  
  
Now they were back to the polite yet distant courtesy Spock offered to all. Kirk knew the Vulcan wasn’t really angry with him, but lack of confidence had been repaid with the same and Kirk now found himself bereft of the one relationship he never wanted to be without. He couldn’t even use the excuse of duty to try to mend that relationship—it didn’t affect their ability to work together on the bridge and if the crew noticed anything was wrong between their two senior officers, they were keeping quiet about it.  
  
But for Kirk, it hurt like the loss it was and he had no doubt it was the same for Spock.  
  
“Captain?”  
  
“Yes, Uhura?”  
  
“There’s an incoming transmission from the base. It’s coded confidential.”  
  
Tony. “Thank you, Lieutenant. I’ll take it in my quarters.”  
  
“Yes, sir.”  
  
He rose and left the bridge with heavy steps, aware of an equally heavy gaze on his back.  
  
The hours that passed between Tony’s message and the time of their rendezvous left Kirk with plenty of opportunities to second guess himself and what he planned to do. From taking Larry down to trusting Tony to—most of all—not telling Spock. The time in his youth spent with Larry and the gang, the fun and ease they’d had together, had been the only happy memories Kirk had of Tarsus. Still, looking back, he had to admit that even then he’d been uneasy, certain that some of things they did weren’t right and that Larry wasn’t the ideal friend he seemed to be. But at the time he chose to ignore all that, to instead accept Larry’s friendship for what it was and hold on tightly to that until forced to let go.  
  
Two hours later, still filled with doubt, he left Spock in command and after dressing in civilian clothes, beamed down to the base. As promised, Tony was waiting for him in a shuttle that, to all appearances, rivaled the ones on the Enterprise for speed and technology. At his questioning glance, Tony merely grinned. “It’s Larry’s. You know him, nothing but the best.”  
  
Kirk nodded. “I assume you know how to pilot this thing?”  
  
“Sure do, Jimmy. Easy as pie.”  
  
Tony proved to be true to his word as the shuttle lifted off smoothly and they were soon on their way to Pendoras. Kirk turned to his old friend. “Okay, Tony, fill me in. What happens when we get there?”  
  
“Matson has a number of warehouses on the planet. The meet takes place in one of ‘em. We’ll be getting there early enough so I can get you in the building before Larry arrives. Don’t worry, there are plenty of places to hide. Like I said before, just wait ‘till I’m out of there, then he’s all yours.”  
  
‘What if he scans the area?”  
  
Tony gave him a puzzled look. “How’s he gonna do that?”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know, a tricorder. Ship’s sensors?”  
  
Tony laughed. “You’re forgettin’, Jimmy, this ain’t the Federation. Larry don’t have nothing like that.”  
  
“I find that hard to believe. After all, this shuttle’s pretty sophisticated. If he can afford something like this, who knows what else he has?”  
  
Tony shook his head. “Trust me, Jimmy, he doesn’t.”  
  
“How can you be so sure? Think about it, Tony. Larry knows I’m here, he knows I’m aware of what he’s been up to and that I have a duty to stop him. Given all that, doesn’t it make sense he would take every precaution to make sure the only people in that warehouse are the ones that are supposed to be there?”  
  
“I’m sure he will, Jimmy, but I’m tellin’ you, he ain’t got no scanners. If he did, I’d know about it.”  
  
Kirk stared at him. “You would? Just how deeply are you involved with Matson, anyway?”  
  
“You don’t wanna know.”  
  
“No, maybe I don’t.” Kirk settled back in his seat and the rest of the trip was completed in silence.  
  
Tony proved to be true to his word because two hours later, Kirk was inside a warehouse three stories high, each floor lined with doorways, some leading to small offices, all surrounding a large, open area ringed by a metal railing on each floor. It was in one of the doorways on the third floor that Kirk was now hidden, with an unobstructed view of the central area below.  
  
He had only been there a few minutes when he heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps. It was Tony, alone and seemingly empty-handed. Not that his unassuming appearance fooled Kirk for a moment—one didn't need much room on one's person to conceal a disc of sensitive material. He waved and Tony acknowledged his presence with a short nod. He then gestured toward the entrance, his meaning unmistakable. Kirk drew back even further and palmed his phaser.  
  
That was when he saw it. Movement from across the room, directly across from his location. It was only the merest flash of blue, but it was all Kirk needed to see. With a stifled curse, he eased back from the doorway and moved to intercept the unwelcome presence.  
  
He rounded a corner that led to another shorter hallway running down the width of the building. He was halfway down it when Spock appeared at the other end. The Vulcan, as if sensing Kirk’s anger, stopped dead in his tracks and made no move to approach.   
  
It made little difference. Kirk was on him in a second. “What the hell are you doing here?” Despite his fury, he kept his voice to a harsh whisper. Through a nearby doorway, he saw Tony standing in the middle of the warehouse, apparently waiting. Matson wasn’t even there yet and already things were falling apart.   
  
“I am here to offer my assistance.” Spock appeared completely unruffled, seemingly unaffected by Kirk’s ire.  
  
“Dammit, Spock! You were supposed to stay out of this.”  
  
An eyebrow rose. “I do not recall you giving me such an order.”  
  
“Then you must be suffering from selective memory loss. I distinctly told you…”  
  
A noise below caught his attention and he swallowed his fury, turning away from the Vulcan to move to a nearby doorway, careful to remain hidden from sight. Spock quickly joined him, but Kirk refused to acknowledge his presence. While he had to admit he wasn’t all that surprised Spock was here, it did little to quell his anger. This was _his_ problem and if he chose to deal with it on his own, no one, not even Spock, had the right to interfere with that choice. The fact the Vulcan was here when he’d been told, no, ordered to stay away, rankled Kirk to no end. When this was over and they got back to the ship…  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see Larry enter the warehouse. His old friend glanced around, then his gaze rested on Tony. He made his way over to the waiting human, his stride smooth and confident, that of a man who was used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted it.   
  
_“You just stick with me, Jimmy, and you’ll go far. I’ll make sure of that.”_  
  
“Tony. It’s good to see you again.”  
  
“Hello, Larry.” Tony peered around the other man, looking in the direction he’d come. “Where’re your buyers? Aren’t they coming? Or did they back out of the deal?”  
  
“Oh, no, they’re here.” Matson’s eyes rose as he did another visual sweep of the area. Kirk drew back further into the doorway, pulling Spock along with him. “They just wanted to make sure you were alone.” His gaze returned to Tony. “So did I.”  
  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”   
  
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact our old friend Jimmy paid me a visit today. You know he’s a starship captain now?”  
  
Tony shrugged. “Yeah, I heard.” If Matson was looking for any sign Tony knew more than he was letting on, he wasn’t getting it from the other man.  
  
“You did, huh? Did you also hear he was asking me all kinds of questions about my business? Whether it was legit or not? And that he suspected I was doing something illegal?”  
  
Another shrug. “No, I didn’t hear about any of that. Now are we gonna do business or not? I don’t have all day.”  
  
Matson gave him a humorless smile. At the sight, the hairs on the back of Kirk’s neck rose. Something was wrong.  
  
“You see, Tony, I find it kind of hard to believe that Jimmy, with all his suspicions about me, wouldn’t get ahold of you to see if you knew anything. So I made a few inquiries. And guess what I found out?”  
  
Once again, Tony remained calm and matter-of-fact. “You found out he paid me a visit. But I didn’t tell him nothin’, Larry. You can believe that.”  
  
“Can I?” Matson turned and walked a few steps away. “I don’t think so. I think for once you didn’t keep your mouth shut. I think you told him everything. And so do my buyers. That being the case…”   
  
Matson turned back to Tony, at the same time gesturing toward the door. At his signal, two Romulans appeared, one holding a device Kirk instantly recognized.   
  
The situation had just gone from bad to worse.  
  
A hand touched his arm. “Jim, we must go.”  
  
Kirk shook his head. “No. I’m here to get Larry. I’m not leaving until I do.”  
  
“We are only moments away from detection. If we do not retreat…” Whatever else he intended to say was interrupted by the familiar warble of a tricorder. The same tricorder one of the Romulans was now pointing in their direction.  
  
The grip on his arm tightened as Spock attempted to pull him away.   
  
_“Just you and me, Jimmy…”_  
  
Kirk tried to jerk his arm free, to no avail. “Spock, dammit! Let me go!” His voice was a harsh whisper, yet the command tone was unmistakable. But Spock ignored him, obviously determined to impose his will over Kirk’s, to make a choice for his captain he had no right to make…  
  
_You bastard! How dare you…?!_  
  
Something in Kirk snapped and he lunged at Spock, throwing the Vulcan off balance. Taken by surprise, Spock slammed hard against the wall and slid to the floor with a groan.  
  
Frustrated at how his carefully laid plans had unraveled, furious at himself for letting everything get so out of hand, Kirk whirled back around, at the same time raising his phaser. He fired twice, the beam striking the first, then second Romulan in the blink of an eye. As they slumped to the ground, he stepped out into the open. Behind him there was silence, but he couldn’t afford to spare even a quick glance to see if Spock was all right. All his attention was focused on the lone figure below.   
  
“Larry!”  
  
Matson glanced up and his face broke into a smile. “Hello again, Jimmy. Did anyone ever tell you, you have rotten timing?”  
  
His reaction surprised Kirk, although he was careful not to let it show. “One could say the same thing about you.” His gaze swept the floor, but except for the two unconscious Romulans, they were alone. Apparently Tony had decided to make a quick exit during all the mayhem.   
  
He kept his phaser trained on his old friend as Matson made his way up the stairs and started toward him.  
  
“That’s far enough, Larry.”  
  
Matson stopped and leaned casually against the railing. “Oh, relax, Jimmy. Let’s talk.”  
  
The phaser never wavered. “About what?”  
  
“About Tarsus. About our time together there. Remember the promise I made to you? About being my lieutenant? That offer still stands, Jimmy. We made a great team then. We can make a great team now. What do you say?”  
  
“I’m a Starfleet officer, Larry.”  
  
“So? What does have to do with anything? Tony’s in Starfleet, too. Didn’t stop him from becoming a wealthy man. It can be the same for you.”  
  
_“Wealth is everything, Jimmy. Wealth and someone you can trust at your back.”_   
  
Funny, even then, Kirk never really believed the first part. As for the second—he had come to know those were not just words, that thanks to a certain Vulcan, there was a truth to them that could not be denied. But it was apparent Matson had chosen to deny that truth, to let greed override the trust and friendship he had once shared with Kirk.   
  
Kirk shook his head, his heart filling with despair for what duty demanded he do. “Larry…”  
  
Movement out of the corner of his eye made him turn in time to see a third Romulan framed in the doorway below, a phaser in his hand. Once again Kirk aimed and fired in one motion, sending the Romulan flying backward where he crumbled to the ground. Almost at the same time, another beam followed on the heels of his own.  
  
Before he could even think to look for the newest threat, he saw Larry’s body topple over the railing and start to slide down.  
  
“NO!” He bolted forward in a desperate attempt to save his old friend. He managed to catch part of a sleeve, but it wasn’t enough. The body slipped from his tenuous grasp and fell. Seconds later there was a dull thump as it hit the floor three stories below.  
  
_“You and me, Jimmy. Always. I promise.”_  
  
He was down the stairs and at Larry’s side within moments, but one glance told him it was too late. Already the gray eyes were clouding over with death.  
  
“Jimmy.” The familiar features stretched into a smile he knew so well. “Blood brothers… eh?”  
  
Then he was gone.   
  
Kirk closed his eyes, struggling to control a sense of overwhelming grief. This was what he’d feared all along, what he’d tried so hard to avoid. Yet despite all his efforts, another old friend lay dead in front of him.  
  
Numb to the core, he gently reached forward to shut the empty eyes that stared back up at him. As he began to rise, his foot struck something solid, wedged slightly under the body. He carefully reached down and felt underneath, his hand striking a solid object. He withdrew a small phaser. It was set to kill.  
  
A chill swept through Kirk. Larry must have been drawing it on him while he was distracted by the Romulan. His supposed friend, the one who had taken Kirk under his wing those many years ago, who had once promised him the universe, who had saved his life, had just tried to kill him in cold blood. All for the sake of greed. The ultimate betrayal.  
  
Duty imposed itself and he rose to check the unconscious Romulans for weapons. As he finished his task, he glanced up to where he knew Spock to be. The second beam that struck Larry clearly came from the Vulcan’s phaser and Kirk fully expected Spock to have joined him by now. Unless he couldn’t…  
  
Kirk headed back up the stairs, taking two at a time. He refused to think about how he wanted nothing more than to get back to the ship, crawl into bed, and forget this day ever happened. Right now he had other concerns—mainly one first officer/lover who would never betray his trust or turn against him like…  
  
He raced down the hall, coming to an abrupt halt at the sight that met his eyes.  
  
Spock was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. His phaser lay next to him as his right hand cradled his left arm against his body. The too-pale face, tightly clenched eyes, and slight gasps of breath were clear indications he was in considerable pain.  
  
“Spock!” Kirk dropped to his knees next to the Vulcan. He gently cupped the chin and turned the face toward his own. “What’s wrong?”  
  
Dilated brown eyes opened and met his own. “Shoulder.” The word was ground out between clenched teeth. “Dislocated, I believe.”  
  
Kirk’s training in first aid was little more than the basics, but judging by the odd angle of the arm, Spock’s diagnosis was probably correct. A sick feeling rose in Kirk as he realized how it had gotten that way. Surely he hadn’t shoved Spock that hard? But he’d been angry and Spock hadn’t been expecting it. Now the result of that anger was evident before his eyes.  
  
“Oh, Spock.” He gently stroked the black, silken hair, hoping it would bring some measure of comfort. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Not…your fault.” Spock was getting whiter by the second. Kirk could sympathize. He himself had dislocated his shoulder a few years ago while mountain climbing on Earth. The agonizing pain he’d endured while waiting for rescue was something he would never forget. Spock needed treatment. And fast.   
  
“Do you have your communicator?” A redundant question as it was virtually impossible Spock would have shown up without one.   
  
A slight nod and his good arm began to reach behind him. Kirk stopped him with a touch, then carefully felt for the device. _Your fault. This is all your fault. You should be the one laying there, not him. Worse, you put him there. All because you couldn’t control yourself…_  
  
As he flipped open the communicator, he braved a glance into those dark brown eyes. They watched his every move, but without the slightest trace of anger or condemnation or even blame. Instead, there was nothing but trust—trust and faith and most of all, love. Surprised and more than a little humbled, he could only watch as Spock’s lips curled into a slight smile, in an effort to reassure.  
  
_God, I don’t deserve you._ He turned away, firing orders into the device.  
  
With help on the way, Kirk pulled off his shirt and devised a makeshift sling, knotting the arms and eased it over Spock’s head and around the injured limb. Once he was satisfied the shoulder was secure, he rocked back on his heels. “That better?”  
  
“Yes, thank you.” Kirk could only watch as Spock made a visible effort to clamp down on the discomfort and incline his head toward the interior of the warehouse. “What of Mr. Matson?”  
  
“He’s dead.” Spock’s face grew even paler. Inwardly, Kirk winced. He may have just lost a friend, but it was his peace-loving Vulcan who had inadvertently fired what turned out to be a fatal shot.   
  
“I grieve with thee.” Those four words were filled with compassion and a trace of guilt.  
  
“Don’t, Spock. He wasn’t worth it.”  
  
“But he was your friend.”  
  
The simple honesty of that statement and the look that accompanied it melted Kirk’s heart. “Or so I thought back on Tarsus. But now I realize he wasn’t really a friend. Not then, not now. I didn’t realize what true friendship was until I met you. Besides, I’m the one who should be sorry.”  
  
An eyebrow rose. “And why is that?”  
  
“Because ever since this whole mess began, I took our friendship and everything else we had together, and shoved it right out an airlock. That was wrong of me. I know you were only trying to help.”  
  
“No apology is necessary, Jim. I understand.” He shifted slightly and a small moan escaped his control. It served as a stark reminder how much agony he was in. Any further conversations would have to wait.  
  
Noises from down below indicated that reinforcements had arrived. Kirk patted a knee. “Just relax and take it easy. I’m going to go help clean up this mess, then I’ll be back.”  
  
Spock nodded, his eyes closing as he slumped back against the wall. Kirk patted his knee once again and left.  
  
It turned out that Spock was beamed back to the Enterprise while Kirk was busy dealing with not only Starfleet security at the warehouse, but also Admiral McConnel in his office. The revelation that one of their own had been in cahoots with Matson raised more than a few eyebrows at the base and apparently Kirk was the only one who had made that connection. But none of that mattered to Kirk—he was more concerned about Spock. His explanation that the Vulcan’s injury was due to an accident by his own hand was accepted without question. So was the fact that Matson’s death was also accidental, that Spock had never meant to kill him. But Kirk knew convincing Spock of the same wasn’t gong to be so easy. While the Vulcan easily forgave others for any wrongs committed against him, such was not the case when he himself was forced to do harm, even when such actions were dictated by the necessity of duty. Kirk had no doubt that not only would Spock hold himself responsible for Matson’s death, but also for the damage to their relationship. Never mind he had nothing to do with it, that the fault lay squarely on Kirk’s shoulders. None of that would matter to Spock. Right now he was probably compiling a list in that complex brain of his of all the reasons he was to blame for what happened between them. It was up to Kirk to convince him otherwise. He had to get to Spock.  
  
Still, it was over four hours before his de-briefing was finally over and he was able to return to the ship. After checking in with the bridge, he made his way to Sickbay, the events of the day weighing heavily on his mind. There would probably be a funeral for Larry, one in which he knew he would not be welcome. He wondered who would tell Larry’s family. He had fond memories of Larry’s mother, who always made him feel welcome the few times Larry had brought him over to visit. Now Kirk didn’t even know if she was still alive and if so, who would break the news to her about her son.  
  
But more importantly, there was Spock. Kirk might not be able to do anything more about Matson, but such was not the case with his future bondmate. It was time to make amends, to see to Spock’s needs, to begin the healing process, both physical and mental, not only for Spock, but for himself, as well.  
  
He entered Sickbay and saw Spock sitting on the edge of a diagnostic bed. He was now wearing Sickbay coveralls and his arm was still in a sling. As Kirk approached, he struggled awkwardly to his feet. Kirk hurried over to lend a hand.  
  
“You okay?”  
  
Spock nodded. “Yes. Dr. M’Benga has relocated the shoulder.” His words were slightly slurred, an indication he’d been sedated during the procedure. “I am instructed to keep it immobile for the next two days, then he will wish to reexamine it to be sure the relocation has been maintained. If so, he advised a trance to complete the healing process.”  
  
For a moment, Kirk wished that McCoy was there to confirm M’Benga’s diagnosis. Not that he didn’t trust M’Benga, but no one knew the Vulcan’s insides as well as Bones. But the doctor was away visiting his daughter, a rare chance that Kirk hadn’t been able to deny him.  
  
“Do you have to stay here?”  
  
“No. I may return to my quarters. I was preparing to leave when you arrived.”  
  
“Mind if I go with you?”  
  
An eyebrow rose. “As you wish.”  
  
Spock took a hesitant step toward the door, his gait slightly off. No doubt the sedation was having an effect not only on his speech, but his balance, as well. Kirk wrapped an arm around his back, and carefully guided him out of Sickbay and down the hall.  
  
“I am sorry about your friend.” There was a mixture of sorrow and guilt in the Vulcan’s tone.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me for getting you into this whole mess.”  
  
Spock paused, halting their slow but steady progress. “As I recall, you were quite adamant that I not become involved.”   
  
Kirk got him moving again. “I know. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”  
  
Spock opened his mouth to reply, then suddenly swayed, his face going pale. Kirk tightened his grip.  
  
“You all right?”  
  
“A momentary dizziness. It will pass.”  
  
“Okay. Just go slow and take it easy the rest of the way.”  
  
Spock nodded and the remainder of the trip was made in silence. Kirk guided the Vulcan over to his bed and eased him down. Spock let out a small moan as his shoulder shifted slightly. Kirk gave him a gentle pat, then tucked the blankets around him. He moved over to the thermostat and dialed the heat up even higher. After dimming the lights, he headed for the door.  
  
“Jim?”  
  
He paused. “Yes, Spock?”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
He smiled. “You’re welcome.” He waited, but when nothing more was forthcoming, he once again made to leave.  
  
“I am sorry about your friend.”  
  
“I already told you, it wasn’t your fault. Now go to sleep.”  
  
But Spock refused to listen as he struggled to sit upright, his gaze focusing on Kirk. “I had no choice.”  
  
“What, you mean shooting him? Spock, you saved my life.”  
  
“But he was your friend.”  
  
Kirk sighed. “You’re just not going to let this go, are you?’ Without waiting for a reply, he returned to sit on the edge of the bed, his back to the Vulcan. Right now what he had to say would be easier without having to face the one who meant so much more to him than Larry ever did. “Spock, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry I shut you out. I’m sorry you were forced to kill Larry. But most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you. I should have never…”  
  
“Jim, it was an accident.”  
  
“No, Spock. I’m not talking about your shoulder. I’m talking about the fact that we’re supposed to trust each other. Not only as shipmates, not only as friends, but as lovers. And what’s a relationship without trust? I should have told you everything, right from the beginning, should have accepted your help. Instead, I shut you out. All because I thought I owed something to someone who was once very important to me. If I can do that to you now, how do I know I won’t do it to you again in the future? How can our relationship survive if that remains a possibility?” He suddenly felt weary, drained of all energy. “I don’t know, maybe we should just end it. Go back to being just friends.”  
  
“Is that what you want?”  
  
“No.” God, no. It was the last thing he wanted. Yet he couldn’t help feeling it was what he should do. Spock deserved so much better…  
  
There was a slight rustling behind him, then a hand reached out and tugged at his arm. Kirk turned to see Spock sliding closer to him. With his good arm, he encircled Kirk’s shoulders and drew him down into the bed.  
  
Kirk felt the sting of unshed tears. He was being forgiven. More, he was being comforted, that simple gesture the Spock’s way of telling him he hadn’t lost anything. Not Spock, not his friendship, and most of all, not his love.   
  
Kirk buried himself in the sturdy chest. Larry was gone, but in realty, he had never been there for Kirk, not like this. This is what lasted, would always last, because this went so much deeper. What he had with Larry couldn’t come close to the feeling of acceptance and belonging radiating from the thin body lying so close to his own. Kirk sighed, all the tension and frustration and grief flowing out of him in that one long breath.  
  
He glanced up into eyes that were rimmed with fatigue and lingering pain, but which were also filled with warmth.  
  
“Spock?”  
  
“Yes, Jim?”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
The Vulcan gave him a tiny smile. “Go to sleep, Jim.” Yet as Kirk obeyed, snuggling close to the lean body, the hand draped over his shoulder gave a gentle squeeze, an acknowledgment that the feeling was mutual.   
  
But then again, Kirk already knew that.


End file.
